Life lessons and motherly worries ...

Yesterday we attended the funeral for Eric's grandmother and my childrens' "Grandma Great."  While I cannot say I was lucky enough to have a super-close relationship with her, I can say, without a doubt, she is a woman to be admired and one who will certainly be remembered.

"Grandma Great" ... and yes, she was pretty darn great!

It was quite amazing to sit in the church watching the hundreds of family members who had gathered to celebrate her life.  Gladys and her sweetheart Roy had 8 children of their own ... who went on to have 54 grandchidren ... who went on to have 133 great-grandchildren. Wow.

There was a great deal of love to be felt.  And while you will rarely see me cry in public, or show much emotion for that matter, I was moved.  It's quite inspiring to be part of such a large family ... craziness and idiosyncrasies included!  I think Gladys would have been thrilled with all the loving things people said about her ... memories of her grandchildren eating strawberries in her garden, memories of her and her husband always trying to do nice things for each other, memories of her being genuinely interested in ALL of her family members and trying to teach them whenever possible.  She was a talented artist, a wonderful cook and my favorite part ... she was BLUNT!  Yay Gladys for not being afraid to tell it like it is!

I think the death of someone always leads us evaluate our own lives.  What will be my legacy?  What will my children (and *hopefully* grandchildren) remember about me?  I thought a great deal about this yesterday and today ... and it goes hand-in-hand with the other thoughts about motherhood that have been circling my head recently. 

I cannot stop thinking about the fact that you only get ONE CHANCE to raise your children.  What a scary thing.  I'm not sure why all of the sudden it's so worrisome to me.  I know that no one is perfect.  Parenting is trial and error -- it's impossible to get it 100% right, 100% of the time.

I enjoy watching my children learn.  My heart melts over their excitement at each new discovery.  They are growing so fast and I love each one for their unique personalities, talents and quirks.  It is the difficult questions that have been recently keeping me awake for hours at night ...

• Am I protecting my children enough, but at the same time allowing them to grow into resilient, confident adults?
• Are they growing up spoiled?  Do they have an appreciation for all that they have?
• Are their sibling connections strong? There are days it seems like all they do is fight with one another.
• Do I hover too much ... am I enabling their bad habits?
• Am I teaching them all the things I think are most important in life? Am I giving them the tools they need to be successful adults?  Do they know what hard work is?  Do they understand why it's important?
• Am I scarring them for life when I lose my cool and yell at them (yes, I can admit I YELL, sometimes often) -- over things that later seem pretty minor?
• Will my children be members of a generation we hear so much about ... coddled, self-absorbed, presumptuous brats who expect it all?
• Do they get enough fresh air?  Are they reading enough? Do they eat too much sugar?  Am I bad for not enforcing regular teeth flossing?  Will they really pay later for me allowing them to get "a little color" before dousing them in sunscreen? The list goes on and on ..!!!

So, I guess I am asking myself, "What's the next step?"  I will always worry, no doubt.  But how do I tackle some of these questions in a tangible way?  Gladys raised 8 children ... how did she do it?  My own talented mother worked full-time, cleaned like a mad-woman, cooked amazing meals, kept my brother and I involved in extra-curricular activities and spent a lot of quality time with us.  How did she juggle it all so well?  I am going to take a hard look at the above list and write down one action for each "worry."  I will try to focus on those actions for a couple of weeks and see if it helps me feel more at ease.  For instance, with regards to the whole losing-my-temper situation, I am going to use the ol' take a deep breath and count to 10 trick.  I don't want my kids to have bad tempers, to not be able to handle stressful situations ... and I am committed to being a better model of cool, collected behavior.  OK ... so there's Goal One.  Yay!  One less thing to worry about in bed tonight.  **More updates to come!**

In the meantime ... you can read about beautiful, spunky Gladys here.   Today I am thankful for the small part I played in her life and the larger-than-life lessons I gained in return.
 
** One more thing ... I've definitely been more "wicked" than "runner" of late ... I desperately need to get back into the swing of things.  I'm mapping out my summer ... including how I'm going to fit workouts in and potential races I'm going to run.  More on that later ...